Antidepressants And Suicidal Thoughts: What You Need To Know

What do you need to know about antidepressants and suicidal thoughts? Plenty.

This post includes three true stories involving depression, antidepressants, and suicidal thoughts.

All of the women in the stories are/were very close to me. I saw their depression and suffering firsthand.

I cover some info on bupropion (generic Wellbutrin) which caused suicidal thoughts in two of the three women.

This post is in no way against antidepressants (and neither am I).

My purpose is to warn you that if you are taking an antidepressant and start to feel worse, it could be caused by the antidepressant itself.

My Depression History

I have been on antidepressants since I was 15 years old.

I’m currently on 4 different antidepressants, the most ever in my life.

I know exactly what it feels like to be hopeless, want the hurt to end, and just feel better.

A Note About Bupropion (Wellbutrin)

The first website that came up when I searched “Wellbutrin” showed a big warning about suicidal thoughts and behaviors on top of the page. It was even before the description of the drug!

Major Side Effects/Warnings

Antidepressants And Suicidal Thoughts What You Need To Know

All medications have side effects and warnings, unfortunately.

Antidepressants can cause suicidal thoughts, especially in children, teens, and young adults aged 18-24.

Here is a list of side effects for Wellbutrin that were reported in drug studies:

Seizures in 0.4% of patients taking 450mg per day. From 450-600 mg the risk of seizures increased 10 times!
High blood pressure
Psychosis (some of the patients with these side effects had bipolar disorder before starting Wellbutrin) including:
- Confusion
- Trouble concentrating
- Paranoia
- Hallucinations
- Delusions
Suicidal thoughts

Depression, Antidepressants, and Suicidal Thoughts

The following are true stories of three women who are/were very close to me. I did not use their real names for privacy purposes.

Darcy had minimally treated severe depression, as you will soon find out.

Keira and Lynn were on bupropion.

TRIGGER WARNING: These stories are distressing and deal with suicidal thoughts and behaviors.

Darcy’s Story

This story doesn’t involve bupropion, but it does involve underdiagnosed depression.

Darcy was my best friend. We met in 7th grade, were inseparable throughout middle and high school, and were accepted to the same university.

Depression started around the same time for both of us- our freshman year in high school.

The difference was, Darcy wasn’t formally diagnosed by her doctor and I was. She lived with untreated depression throughout high school.

Sometimes I wondered if she had bipolar disorder because she would have very high highs and very low lows.

The Turning Point

The fall of our 2nd year at college in 2001, her dad passed away.

She was never the same.

Her depression worsened and she still wasn’t getting any professional help.

She started pulling away from her true friends, and her whole personality changed.

She was angry and irritable most of the time.

We lived together in an apartment off-campus starting the following summer. We fought a lot and tried to avoid being home at the same time.

I moved back in with my parents that December and she found a new roommate to sublet from me.

My wedding was the following June.

I had dropped out of college because my depression wasn’t under control. I couldn’t concentrate on my studies and didn’t want to waste money on classes that I couldn’t pass and wasn’t willing to go to.

Darcy was supposed to be a bridesmaid at my wedding, but I didn’t hear much from her after I moved out.

I left her a message telling her that I’d rather not have her be at my wedding because it seemed like it was too much for her at that time. (Not to mention the fact that we weren’t talking to each other.)

Reconnecting

We ended up running into each other about a week before the wedding. We met up later that week and were able to catch up a little.

She seemed happy and cheerful, like the Darcy I used to know.

The personality shift, when looking back, was a warning sign. A sudden improvement in mood in someone who had been previously depressed can mean they have a plan in place to end their life.

We agreed that after the wedding and honeymoon, we would get together and reconnect.

That never happened.

She ended up going to the wedding but skipped out on the reception. I can’t say that it didn’t hurt.

The News

Just under a month after my wedding, my parents stopped by unexpectedly. I was excited to see them, but that feeling soon turned to utter horror and shock.

They told me Darcy had called in sick to her summer job that very day and taken 80-100 of her mom’s muscle relaxer pills.

Her younger sister found her seizing a few hours later and called 911.

My heart sank, but I was still hopeful.

“Is she in the hospital? Can I go see her?” I asked.

The look on my parents’ faces should have been a clue.

“No. She didn’t make it. We’re so sorry.”

I will never forget how I felt after those words hit my ears. My whole world came to a halt.

The Aftermath

I haven’t been the same since. Grief, anger, disbelief, frustration, you name it. I’ve felt it all over the years.

I didn’t want to deal with my feelings, so I ate over it.

It took me 7 years to finally face my grief, with the help of a therapist.

My therapist at the time told me I should write a letter to Darcy, telling her everything I was thinking and feeling. Then she said I should go read it to her at the cemetery where she was buried.

Sobbing, I read the letter at her gravesite. I told her exactly what I’d been thinking and feeling all of those years.

I felt relief washing over me when I was done. A huge weight was lifted from my shoulders.

I forgave her for all the hurt and frustration she had caused me.

She struggled a lot.

I still think of her often, missing her every day.

She knew what she was doing by taking those pills and wanted to make sure she did it right the first time.

Knowing that just breaks my heart.

Keira’s Story

Keira had mild situational depression for a while before her doctor started her on 75 mg of Wellbutrin twice daily in September 2013.

She was having a stressful time with her job and in her personal life.

After about two months, Keira noticed a dramatic change. She began having headaches, blurred vision and feelings of hopelessness.

Keira pushed her feelings aside, not wanting to acknowledge them because of all the other stress in her life at the time. She was focused on everyone but herself.

One day, Keira told me that she felt so depressed she wanted to kill herself.

I took this very seriously, thinking immediately of Darcy and feeling like this was my chance to actually do something. I couldn’t help Darcy but I was damn well going to do whatever I could to help Keira!

We had plans to go to dinner together, and when I picked her up I told her I was taking her to the hospital emergency room.

She told me she didn’t want to go and that she’d be ok. She promised me she would take care of herself.

I very reluctantly accepted her promise, reminding her just how serious this was.

I had to accept the fact that I couldn’t force her to go to the hospital.

Another Cry for Help

The stress kept mounting, and about a month later, she found herself in Urgent Care for a hypertensive crisis.

A hypertensive crisis is a severe increase in blood pressure, which could lead to a stroke and damage to blood vessels. There are sometimes no symptoms, but other times people have headaches and dizziness.

While she was explaining her symptoms to the doctor, she blurted out that she wanted to kill herself.

A Resolution

The doctor, of course, took her very seriously and told her to stop taking bupropion immediately.

She told Keira to make an appointment with her primary doctor (the one who prescribed it initially) within the week to follow up.

Keira started feeling back to her previous normal within 3 days of stopping her medication.

Three days.

When talking to her about her story for this post, Keira told me if she hadn’t gone in for her headaches and blurry vision, she wouldn’t be here today because of just how depressed she had become.

That same month she saw a psychiatrist for the first time. The psychiatrist put her on Zoloft and she is still currently on it.

Sure, she has some unwanted side effects, but they’re mild and the medication has her depression in check.

Lynn’s Story

Lynn’s story started less than a year after Keira’s.

Eerily Similar

Lynn’s symptoms started around the same time in her treatment as Keira’s, about the 2-month mark. She started losing interest in life, felt down, depressed, hopeless, incredibly anxious, and was unable to sit still.

She found this article recently and told me, “What it describes sounds a lot like what happened to me. I didn’t have restless legs or uncontrollable movements but I couldn’t sit still or calm down and I definitely wasn’t myself. I’ll never forget that feeling of not wanting to hurt myself but being terrified that I would if I was left alone.”

I’ll never forget when she asked me to sit down with her on the couch when she was in town for a visit.

She looked like a shell of her former self. When I looked into her eyes, I saw darkness and suffering; a destroyed, hurting soul.

I knew that look all too well. I had seen it staring back at me in the mirror many times throughout the years.

The Confession

At the time, I didn’t know exactly how bad she was feeling, but when she spoke, it was an all too familiar story.

She told me she had been feeling suicidal for a while and was afraid to be alone. She told her husband to lock up his gun and hide the keys.

Lynn was fighting for her life, knowing that her depression was getting the best of her. She had a plan to end her suffering but was fighting to make sure that didn’t happen.

I cried with her, hugging her close and wanting nothing more than to heal her pain.

I asked Lynn if she was taking anything for depression.

She was taking bupropion.

I felt a jolt of electricity course through my veins.

No…could this be happening again?!

Same drug, same timeframe, same devastating symptoms…What were the odds?

A Race Against Time

After realizing that the same thing was most likely happening to Lynn, I quickly relayed Keira’s story to Lynn.

It was brief, but I saw a glimmer of hope in her eyes.

“You need to contact your doctor and get off of that medication. NOW.” I said.

Lynn’s doctor told her she definitely needed to get off of the bupropion. She gave her an expedited tapering schedule.

Less than a week later, Lynn felt relief from her crippling depression and suicidal thoughts.

It took her a few weeks to feel totally back to normal.

She had been taking bupropion to supplement a different antidepressant that wasn’t giving her enough relief from her depression symptoms.

To say it backfired is obviously an understatement.

The Present

Lynn has recently been struggling with depression again, but not to the extent as to when she was on bupropion.

She is now in her first week of taking duloxetine (Cymbalta), after tapering off of fluvoxamine (Luvox).

I pray this medication is the right fit for her and that she can get back to living her life to the fullest.

Final Thoughts on Antidepressants and Suicidal Thoughts

My point of this post isn’t to persuade you to stay away from antidepressants. My point is to make you aware that antidepressants can cause suicidal thoughts.

If you feel worse after starting an antidepressant, please tell someone immediately.

Suicidal thoughts are nothing to take lightly.

If you’re not on an antidepressant and think or know that you’re depressed, please reach out to your doctor, a family member, a friend, or use any of the resources below.

Mental Health Resources:

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI)
Top 25 NAMI HelpLine Resources
Substance Abuse and Mental Health Service Administration (SAMHSA)
MentalHealth.gov
National Institute of Mental Health (NIH)