Are you a people-pleaser? Why are we so quick to say yes to others? How can you stop being a people-pleaser? Find out the many benefits of standing up for yourself by saying no, along with the answer to the question: What does being a people-pleaser have to do with binge eating?
Related: Are You A Compulsive Overeater?
Why Do We Aim To Please?
I know for me, I say yes to people because I’m afraid they will either not like me, think less of me, and/or tell others what I said and then more people won’t like me.
When did we become so eager to please?
Saying yes to someone means putting their needs ahead of your own. Sometimes that needs to be done and it’s fine. Other times, you need to say no for your own self-care and wellbeing.
Say No Just Once
Try this experiment.
Say no to one person within the next week. Pick something that you really don’t want to do. And guess what? You most likely don’t have to do it! (Just make sure it isn’t a request from your boss…)
Will it feel awkward? Probably.
Will you worry they won’t like you as much? Maybe.
Will the world end because you say no? No.
Now ask yourself, “What’s the worst that could happen to me by saying no to this person?”
Answer honestly.
What do you think you’ll feel? Relief? Embarrassment? Worry? Exhilaration?
Whatever it is, you’ll live.
Turn It Around
Now turn the experiment around.
Think about how you would feel if someone told you no for the same thing you said no to in the original experiment.
Would you think less of that person? Probably not much.
You might be slightly annoyed, but that feeling would pass.
Also, would it make a difference to you if that person were to explain the reasoning behind it?
Would an explanation be better or worse after hearing someone say no to you?
What Would It Look Like…
So, what would it look like to you if you were to say no more than once?
Think about how it would feel if you were to say no more often, especially when you felt that saying yes wouldn’t serve you in the best way possible.
How would that look?
Take some time and really think about how you would feel by not having to make every commitment that you didn’t want to make, go to every little get together people ask you to attend, or pick up someone’s slack at work because they consistently ask you to.
So What If You Said No?
Would saying no and feeling a little discomfort or awkwardness be worth not having the stress of having to do every little thing people ask you to do?
Being a people-pleaser is exhausting, and you don’t have to do it.
Why should you shoulder the burden of other people’s tasks or concerns all of the time?
Saying No To Family
You know those family get-togethers you dread? Ok, not everyone dreads seeing family, but most families aren’t perfect and don’t get along all of the time.
Everyone has disagreements with family. So think about how good it would feel to sit one out and not have to deal with the drama?
Wouldn’t it be great if you only had to deal with family drama once in a while?
Saying No At Work
Do you have that one (or more than one) annoying co-worker that’s always asking you to do more than your share of the work, or asking you to run little errands for them? Do you sit and think about how much you hate always doing stuff for them and get nothing in return?
By saying no just once, you can change the whole dynamic of the relationship.
Or, maybe your co-worker doesn’t even realize they’re asking too much of you. Saying no could be a wake-up call and give you some much-needed relief.
Knowing When To Say No
There is a delicate balance in saying no too often and not saying it often enough. Figuring it out can be tricky, but it can be done!
As they say about arguing with children- pick your battles.
If the benefit of saying no outweighs the risk, then, by all means, go ahead and say no.
Just remember to be tactful.
How To Say No
First off, figuring out if saying no is better for you than saying yes is the first thing you need to decide.
For this, you might need to ask for some time to think about your answer.
Asking for time is not too much to ask. In fact, someone asking for a favor should not expect an automatic yes.
Some Suggestions
Here are some suggestions for ways to say no without sounding rude:
- No, thank you.
- I’m afraid I can’t do that today.
- I’ll pass, thank you.
- I’m not really into that, but thanks for asking!
- I’d rather not, thanks.
You don’t owe an explanation. There might be an awkward silence following your answer, but you don’t have to give in to it! Hold strong!
If you do feel like you need to explain, it’s best to just tell the truth.
Don’t make up an elaborate story about why you can’t do something. The fewer details, the better.
Which one sounds more believable?
“I’ll pass, thank you.”
or
“I’ll pass, thank you. I’m going to a masquerade ball with The Prince of <insert country here> and I don’t have anything to wear! I need to stop at the store and get a dress, earrings, milk, mouse traps, shoes, and dryer sheets. I also need to clean the pool before I leave tonight.”
Ok, you might not (ever) go into that much detail, but you get my point.
Say It Twice
Don’t be afraid to say no more than once, if that’s what it takes.
Some people aren’t used to being told no, so you might have to repeat yourself to make them hear you.
Assert Yourself
You shouldn’t be afraid to say no, even though it’s perfectly natural to feel that way. Try to think of yourself as in control of the situation.
Be confident.
Mumbling your answer might make someone think you don’t mean it and that you’re a pushover. Stay strong! You can do it!
Changing Your Mind
You know what? It’s ok to change your mind.
If you feel you shouldn’t do something that you originally said yes to, be assertive and tell the person that you’re sorry, but you actually can’t do what they asked of you.
It’s ok.
Once again, the world won’t end because you changed your mind.
Go with your instincts and don’t feel bad about it. Try your hardest not to let it ruin your day.
The Benefits Of Saying No
There are many benefits to saying no when you don’t absolutely have to do something.
Stress Reduction
By saying no when you really don’t want to do something, you’re giving yourself a break from the stress that would plague you before, during, and after whatever it is that is asked of you.
Wouldn’t it be great to avoid stress once in a while? Most of us are stressed out a lot of the time, so this is one small action that can be highly beneficial.
Time
Getting back the time you lose by trying to please everyone is huge. You can use the time you have free to do something for yourself!
Think of all the little things you do for people and how much that time adds up.
Saying no will open up space for letting in a dose of positivity. And who doesn’t want that?
Less Negativity
Saying no is good for you in order to get rid of at least some of the negativity in your life.
Do you have someone (or more than one someone) that is always bringing you down? The constant complainer, the person who never has anything positive to say and makes it seem like they have the worst life of anyone, ever?
Wouldn’t distancing yourself from all of that negativity feel good?
Respect
Saying no shows that you respect yourself.
You are saying that you respect your time, space, emotional health, and need for self-care.
Less Guilt
Yes, I realize that saying no can make you feel guilty, but it can also make for less guilt in the future.
Think about how often you dwell upon and beat yourself up about agreeing to do something that you really shouldn’t have said yes to.
Do you ever cancel plans and feel guilty about it? Or cancel at the last minute then REALLY worry about what another person thinks of you?
Saying no upfront can lessen all of that guilt and give you the freedom to do other things that don’t stress you out, cause you to feel guilty, or make you feel less respected.
Binge Eating and Saying No
So, what does being a people-pleaser have to do with binge eating?
Well, when you do or say something you wish you hadn’t, or something makes you upset, what do you do?
You reach for food to make it feel better.
So, saying no right away can help you avoid the inevitable regret about saying yes, along with all of the other baggage that goes along with it.
Related post: How To Deal With Food Addiction Relapse
Final Thoughts On Giving Up Being A People-Pleaser
Saying no doesn’t have to be a huge stressor. There are a lot of benefits in giving up being a people-pleaser. If you’re ready to give up saying yes to everyone that asks something of you, you’ll find life to be much more pleasant and free.
So, what have you got to lose?
Do you know someone who is a people-pleaser and could benefit from this post? Share it!
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