My Disordered Brain Wants Food!

My brain is not helping me out right now, it has its own mind (pun unintended). My plan for changing my eating habits is not going well at the moment. But, if everything was going perfectly, it wouldn’t be an eating disorder, now would it?

The “Plan”

My plan this week was supposed to be to focus on not overeating and pacing my meals. My disease had other ideas. The disordered part of my brain has been telling me that it’s fine to eat more right now because I’m changing my habits slowly, right? Yes…but no.

In order to reach recovery, I have to be willing to change. I feel willing, but the disease is really digging into my thoughts this week. (Why would I think it wouldn’t?)

I gave up desserts the first week I decided to finally deal with this eating disorder again. Everything was going swimmingly until this week when I rationalized to myself that a cereal held together by butter and marshmallows was not a dessert.

Really, self? Of course, it’s dessert! The word treat is in the name!

I also need to give up anything that has syrup that goes along with it now. I’ve never been able to control myself when eating those foods, and I don’t know why I would ever be able to now.

In the name of honesty, I also have to admit that I’ve been snacking before bed. Just a little! But seriously, it’s a problem.

Fast-tracking My Eating Habits

This is what I have (supposedly) given up or changed so far:

Week 1: Desserts

Week 2: Sugary drinks

Week 3: Snacks

Weeks 4: Stopped overeating/consciously trying to eat less at each meal

So…how’s that working out? Hrmph. Not well.

I thought I could cut food (and drink) out faster this time around because I’ve done this before, but it seems not to be the case this time. I think I need to go back to focusing on Week 3 again. I don’t seem to be as willing to give up snacking as I thought.

Once an Addict, Always an Addict

So, what am I going to do about that, you ask? Well, as all addicts are directed to do, I’m going to take one day at a time. For me, however, I think it would be best to take one hour at a time. Baby steps. I need to be gentler on myself. It took a long time to destroy my body with food, and it’s going to take a long time (hopefully not 15 years!) to undo the damage I’ve done.

Living with this thing all the time is exhausting. Constantly thinking about food, when I’m going to eat next, getting excited when I feel hungry because then I feel less guilty about eating again and then getting excited about what I’m going to eat. It’s a wonder I have room for anything else in my food-thought soaked brain.

When I start thinking about food and I’m not hungry, I choose from my list of 19 Alternatives to Eating.

Related: That First Step

Weekly Plan

This week I’m going to focus on being gentler on myself. I’m not perfect, obviously, but I can do this.

I’ve “mastered” the no desserts and no sugar drinks part, so that’s a huge step for me. Congratulations, self! I have to remember to celebrate each small victory and find a way other than food to acknowledge the small progress I’m making.

This disease doesn’t want me to have small victories, it wants me to fail. The small voice in my head tells me that I’m failing because I’m still overeating and not paying attention to how much is in front of me. It’s telling me that I’m never going to lose this weight because I’m no match for its power.

This is where the gentler me needs to prevail. My voice needs to overpower that of the disease.

It’s ok that you’re overeating right now. You’re working hard.

You’ve already come so far by eliminating so much sugar that was controlling every meal and snack you were eating.

It’s going to take time to change your habits.

Just slow down, you’ve got this.

(Repeat as needed.)

I’ve got this!

Read Next:

• 11 Tips for Compulsive Overeaters
• A Journey to Recovery from Binge Eating Disorder (My Story)
• Why Do You Overeat?
• Getting Clean with Food
• The #1 Problem with Binge Eating Disorder
• The Truth About Binge Eating Disorder